Surviving Stillbirth

by

Jennifer Goins-Caufman

Dedicated to the memory of

Sarah Rose Goins-Silvas

November 2, 1990

 

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If you lose a parent, you’ve lost your past. If you lose a spouse, you’ve lost your present. But if you lose a child you’ve lost your future. Outliving our children is against the natural order of life. We should not have to bury our children. Following this kind of loss, many turn to their Faith, an equal number find themselves questioning everything they have ever believed in. BOTH are normal reactions to the death of a child. This was written about two years after her death while I was supposed to be taking notes during my Christianity classes.

I'd like to say Thank You to the members of my family who were supportive of this book. To the Silvas family, to the Compassionate Friends and SHARE Group of Abilene, Texas, the National Chapters of SHARE and Pen-Parents, Dr. William Barrick, Dr. Sandra Harper, Amy Harbough, Anissa May and Mr. Eric Bailey for their insight into the making of this book.

And a special thanks to the parents who shared their

stories and encouraged me to put these words into print.

With love to my nieces - Kayla, Amber, Carley, Courtney and Casey.

Jennifer Goins-Caufman

G O N E

Everything was beginning to seem so perfect.

Just him and me

And Baby makes three.

Had a lifetime of dreams and plans

Wrapped up in this little one.

But, suddenly, all hope was gone.

One morning it was clear,

No kicks, no heartbeat.

Nothing,

So Still.

Silent, she would come into the world

Taken without a sound.

Never to live on the outside,

Her crib - the ground.

The doctors said  

There was northing I could have done.

There were no tell-tale signs

Of something wrong.

A bad heart all along.

She seemed so healthy and strong one day

But, the next day, all hope slipped away,

Without warning, she was gone.

Dear Parents,

My name is Jennifer and my daughter, Sarah Goins-Silvas, was stillborn. If anyone had told me that I would be writing these words two years ago, I would not have believed them. The death of a child is such an unbelievable event that I know you, too, are in shock that it has happened to you. This book is written for you with the hope of easing some of your pain and informing you of what lies ahead.

In my ninth month of pregnancy, my friends from college threw a baby shower for me. About two hours before the shower, Sarah kicked over a hundred times. This was unusual. I had never done fetal movement counts but this one time, I stopped to count because I knew the baby was kicking more than ever before. Daniel felt the kicks as well. Throughout the shower, we commented to our friends on how strong this baby was. Those were the last kicks I ever felt.

During the first twenty-four hours without movement, I figured "Well, he/she is just worn out from earlier". But by the second day, I was getting worried. I dug out a stethoscope to listen for a heartbeat. I had always been able to find it before but, this time, I could only hear the echo of my own heart. I said nothing to Daniel. We went shopping and made plans. The same night I pulled out the stethoscope once again with no result. The following morning I told Daniel that I believed the baby had died. He then got out the stethoscope and "found" a heartbeat. I wanted so badly for him to be right that I allowed myself to be comforted for the time being.

The baby appeared to have dropped so I told myself he/she is too crowded to move. When I mentioned a lack of movement to others, they supplied the same hope. Finally, I went to the doctor. He had difficulty locating a heartbeat, but he did eventually "find" one. He then sent me to the main hospital. The nurses searched for a heartbeat and did not find one. My panic was rising and when the doctor arrived with a portable ultrasound, he confirmed my worst fear. The baby had been dead for several days.

I chose to induce labor but requested to wait until Daniel could arrive. I had to call him from the hospital to utter those horrible words "The baby died but I still have to go through labor and delivery". Sitting in the hospital room waiting to get this over with was the worst experience of my life. The hospital was, at least, a four hour drive for Daniel.

When he finally arrived, we cried together and prepared for the long night ahead. I was given painkillers on request and spent much of the time "out of it". Sarah was delivered after twenty-one hours of labor. I chose to see the baby before consenting to drugs. I will never regret this decision. I was able to hold her, but Daniel only got to see her, kiss her forehead and say "I love you, Sarah". He then left the room.

I partially unwrapped the blanket to look at her but I felt as if I was being watched and that this was inappropriate. I never thought to ask to be alone with her or for Daniel to return before sending her away. She was perfect looking, lots of black hair, a round face and long, beautiful fingernails. She weighed 7 pounds, 1 ounce and looked normal.

The funeral was planned by my parents and the nursery was dismantled while I was away. Sarah was buried in my hometown with a graveside service. Friends from college attended or sent flowers. I was numb, amazed that any of this was taking place. I felt I just wanted to be strong and get on with my life. I felt that this was what was expected of me.

It was not until the day Daniel had to return to work, as well as my mother and twin sister that I was alone to think. Then it hit me how much I loved her and how much I had lost. I cried uncontrollably all day. I could not understand "Why?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "What is wrong with me?" and "Why didn't she love me enough to stay?".

Two weeks later, I returned to classes and was treated like a glass doll. I felt as if everyone was looking at me and saying "She's the one with the dead baby". I faced people who tried to help, but whose comments were hurtful things, as if they had not even spoken. I tried to turn off my pain, appear strong and "get over it", but, deep inside, I was hurting more and more each day. I eventually realized that denying my grief was only going to prolong it.

This book is the story of the greatest loss anyone can suffer and how I traveled through grief to find peace. I hope these words can help you through your own personal journey back into the world of the living.

With Love and Understanding,

Jennifer Goins-Caufman

 

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CHAPTER ONE

 

Dear Sarah,

When I first learned I was going to have you, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. Your father was also confused. But, the first time I felt you move, it made me so happy and excited that there was this little person inside of me. A baby - part me and part Daniel. Finally, the kicks got strong enough for your daddy to share and I could tell by his reaction that he was hooked and that he would love you too.

You seemed so healthy, so alive when you kicked to the music or in response to my pokes at your feet. We would sit and wonder about who you would look like and whose personality you were going to have. We would hope for a little girl to dress up in all those pretty clothes. I think, that way down deep, I knew you were a girl, but I told everyone, including myself, that you were a boy...just in case I was wrong.

I would lie awake at night and pray you would be healthy and happy. I never once prayed you would be alive until I knew you weren't. I just took it for granted...why wouldn't you be alive and perfect?

Now you're gone and I never had the chance to hear you cry or to breastfeed you. I don't feel your little kicks anymore and I miss you so much. I wonder if you ever felt pain or if you died peacefully without the realization that you were alive. I pray there is a Heaven and that I'll be able to be with you someday to give you all the love now being wasted on tears.

I'll always wonder about you and love you. I would have wanted you...no matter what.

I love you, Sarah

 

WHY DIDN'T I KNOW?

When you begin to suspect that your baby has died, you ask yourself - -

Why didn't I notice sooner?

How long has it been since I felt movement?

If you never suspected that the baby was lost and a doctor or nurse had

to tell you, you asked yourself - -

Why didn't I know?

Why couldn't I tell that something was terribly wrong?

These are questions that will never be completely answered. Maybe the baby was "floating" and you believed this was fetal movement. Perhaps, deep down, you knew but your emotions were not prepared to deal with such a shocking revelation. Whatever the reason, keep in mind that even if you had realized the baby had died at the exact moment, it would still have been too late. There was nothing you could have done and it is not your fault. If you did not know for hours or for days, it doesn't mean that you did not love your baby.

WOMB TO GRAVE

Upon hearing the words "Your baby is dead", the thoughts that go through your mind can vary from "That's not funny!" to "How am I going to tell the Kid?", but one very consistent thought seems to be "But that can't be true, the end result of pregnancy is not a dead baby".

Women are designed to bear children. This is a fact of life that we've known since the P.E. teachers separated the girls from the boys in the seventh grade for "The film and lecture". Although it is not as commonly preached as in the past, there is still a concept in society that Motherhood mean true womanhood. When you become "MOM", this makes you an adult.

When your body betrays you, your whole sense of identity is threatened. This may be more true of those who lose a first child; however, if it is a second or third child, you are still likely to ask "Why did my body bring forth death this time?" After all, in the past, it has successfully brought life into the world.

Dealing with the fact that there was once a beautiful, living child inside of you and then, because of a cruel twist of fate, the beautiful, living child becomes a corpse in your body can be very difficult. It is normal to have a preoccupation with the reality that your womb, which is supposed to be the safest place for your baby, is also where your baby died. Just because you think about this does not mean you are morbid or going insane. You have to work through all the aspects of your loss to come to terms with the death of your baby.

 

Dear Sarah,

You have been gone for over two weeks now, but I feel as if I should be having a healthy baby any day now instead of grieving for my dead baby girl.

Sometimes, when I first awake, I forget that I'm not pregnant anymore. For a brief instant, I forget that my baby has died - and when I remember, the shock and pain hits with such force that I wish I were dead.

Always my love,

Mom

FEELING PREGNANT

There is a sense of unreality that takes over when tragedy strikes. It's called shock and it is useful because it will temporarily numb you from the pain allowing you to survive; however, even when the initial trance begins to wear off, you will still be in a state of disbelief. You may still feel pregnant. In fact, your body doesn't realize that the baby is gone. Your milk will come in and your heart will ache to hold your baby close. If you had planned on breastfeeding, when your milk comes in, it is one more reminder of what you have lost.

On some occasions, your body may betray you to the public. For some unknown reason, everyone is comfortable talking to an expectant mother. They ask about your due date or tell you their own personal "horror" story. When first released from the hospital, you may still need to wear those early maternity clothes and, unfortunately, someone will ask a question that makes you want to faint.

There is really no "best way" to handle this situation. If it is someone you have never seen in your life, you may choose to answer "I had a boy/girl two weeks ago...." and end it at that. If it is someone you are likely to have to face again, you may choose to say "Our son/daughter was stillborn...", the decision is up to you. You do what is best for the situation. Yes, you may leave more than one person speechless, but it is not going to be one hundred percent avoidable unless you stay home, and believe me, at home, alone, is one of the last places you want to be.

SARAH

SARAH,

I miss her.

Why isn't she with me?

Wish she were here,

Or I was there,

Wherever that might be.

SARAH,

With hair so black,

Tiny hands and long nails,

Skin too pale,

And lips too red.

SARAH,

Where is she now?

My pretty baby girl.

I never got to hear her cry.

Why is my baby forever silent?

Why did my daughter die?

SARAH,

Am I so terrible?

Did you not want to be with me?

Did you think I didn't care?

Are you somehwere safe and sound?

Is there a Heaven?

Or are you nowhere?

SARAH,

When I remember her,

I see nothing worth what I endured.

Nothing that I'd wished for,

Nothing to love,

I close my eyes hoping,

Praying to see black,

Instead, I see SARAH.

DID I DO SOMETHING?

Guilt is a normal response to a loss no matter what the circumstances. If you have ever lost someone close to you, you may recall the "What if's" that ran through your mind. You may have also wished for the chance to say all the things that sum up how you felt about your loved one - all the while knowing that it was too late. You will probably go through a deeper thought process with your baby than ever before. After all, this baby was your child. You had plans for his/her future and when your baby died, you lost a part of your future as well.

You may want to find somewhere to place the blame even if there is no blame to be placed. Most likely, you will find yourself at fault. You will direct the "What if's" at yourself -

"What if I had called the Doctor sooner?"

"What if I had quit smoking?"

You will also have the "Did I's?" -

"Did I cause the death when I had that fender bender?"

"Did we kill the baby when we made love?"

And, of course, we can't leave out the "If only's" -

"If only I had exercised more."

"If only I hadn't drank that one beer."

All the "What if's" "Did I's?" and "If only's" in the world will not bring your baby back to you. Your loss was most probably a medical problem that went undetected, a umbilical cord accident or an unknown cause.

A fender bender or small fall would very likely do more damage to you than to a well-cushioned baby.

Yes, Doctors warn against drinking when you are pregnant because of fetal alcohol syndrome, but it takes very large quantities of alcohol to do severe damage. A few drinks during your entire pregnancy is not lethal.

And, unless advised to avoid intimate relations with your mate, sex is harmless as well.

In the event your baby had abnormalities, such as a chromosomal dislocation, you and your mate may feel you are to blame since these genes did come from you. Should this be the case, I recommend that you both go through genetic screening for two reasons. First, to get the reassurance that the baby's problem was a fluke of "egg" meets "sperm" and not something that will repeat itself. Secondly, to become aware should there be a problem that might reoccur. This knowledge will be important to you if you decide to have another child in the future.

Keep all these things in mind as you search for an answer. You are, of course, going to ask these kinds of questions because, in our logical minds...there has to be a reason. Babies don't just die - That's not fair.

DID I NOT LOVE ENOUGH?

Another source of guilt is the feeling that you may have caused the death by not loving enough. If you were reluctant to have this baby or if you felt that the timing couldn't have been worse, you may believe that you wished for it. Keep in mind that, during pregnancy, it is normal to go through a wide range of emotions.

You may have been afraid of all the responsibilities that come with Motherhood. You may have decided you've already got the 2.5 kids that you need and have had to adjust to adding a new baby to the picture. Whatever you felt or thought, you did not wish - "Gee, I want this baby to die so I can sleep on my stomach again!"

Parents who have chosen to give the baby up for adoption may have even more overwhelming guilt feelings, but, always remember that you chose to give this baby a better life than you could provide because you loved it. You loved to the best of your ability and made plans to bring a new life into the world.

 

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CHAPTER TWO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GRIEVING

Grieving is like being stuck on a roller coaster. It can be a long, difficult process, but denying it can prolong your suffering and manifest into physical symptons. The stages of grief are as follows -

Denial - The feeling of shock and a refusal to believe that you've really lost your baby. You may feel phantom kicks, have aching arms or have nightmares about the baby.

Anger - You may both go through an intense mood of being angry at yourself, your mate, the whole world. Why has this happened? Why doesn't anyone realize what we are going through?

Bargaining - You may argue with God or plead for an exchange. My life - if the baby could live! Or promise to change your life for the chance to be with your baby.

Depression - Once the realization sinks in that the baby is gone and there is nothing you can do about it, depression sets in. This stage is accompanied by all the Whys? Why Nots? and What Ifs. You could experience a wide variety of symptons -

* Loss of sleep

* Sleeping too much

* Loss of appetite

* Overeating

* Urges to drink or try drugs

* Lack of interest in sex

* Obsessive, compulsive behavior

* Inability to concentrate

* Fear for the lives of other loved ones

* Suicidal thoughts

* Nightmares

These emotional swings are normal to a certain extent; however, if you feel the need, seek help.

Acceptance - Eventually, you will come to a point of accepting the death of your child. It will always be something that you wish you could change, but you will find the strength within yourself to help you survive.

These stages of grieving are not clear cut. They can overlap or return in a circular pattern. Certain times of the year or certain events may bring the pain back all over again. Grieving is not like having the flu - you can't completely recover. You simply learn to incorporate the loss into your life and go on.

THE GRIEF OF COUPLES

Not only are we raised in a society that makes grieving difficult, we are in a society that expects men to be strong for the sake of his wife in times of loss. People ask "How is your wife?". No one thinks to ask "How are you?". Dads hurt, too. This baby was a part of him and this loss will change his life forever, just as it will yours.

After such a traumatic experience, many couples believe that they can withstand anything; however, when shock wears off and grief takes over, relationships have been known to crumble. No matter how much you love someone, you cannot walk through their grief for them.

Grieving is a lonely process that each individual must walk through and come out of alone. While you are expecting your partner to comfort and reassure you, your partner may be expecting you to comfort him. Miscommunication about emotions can lead to unneccesary pain and hurt feelings. Try to be open with one another without expecting too much. Your "good" days and "bad" days may conflict with one another, so don't begrudge the other a few moments of happiness.

Men and women are raised differently from the day they are born. We are been conditioned to react differently to the same situations. In grieving, men are less likely to cry and more likely to want to keep busy. Men may also want to go out to have some fun in an attempt to cheer up or make love as a way of showing they care. Women may misinterpret the man's actions and believe he doesn't care, but keep in mind that one can hurt deeply without showing it externally.

SIBLINGS

Children are very perceptive and can often tell when something is wrong even if they do not fully understand their feelings. Try to be as honest and straightforward as possible with the baby's siblings.

Your approach will depend on the child's age and past experiences, but if they are old enough to know that Mom and Dad were having a baby, they are old enough to realize that, for some reason, the baby is never coming home.

If the child was jealous of the idea of a new baby, he/she may feel that is his/her fault or that he/she wished it to happen, which can lead to extreme guilt. The child needs reassurance that they did not cause this to happen. Their loss of the new brother or sister should be acknowledged. Give them a chance to say "good-bye". If they were not allowed to attend the funeral, allow them to visit the cemetery with you. If they want to go, let them take flowers, a stuffed animal or even balloons to show that they loved the baby, too.

Most of all, be sure that your surviving children know that you still love them and that you don't wish it were them instead of the new baby. Try to help the children understand your concept of where the baby is now, but without giving the impression that where the baby now is, is better than being with your family. There is nothing more terrifying to a newly bereaved parent than to hear a surviving child say that they want to go away to heaven, too.

Try to express your love for them and share your grief. You will be amazed at how well children handle death. They have a way of incorporating it into their lives and coming out of grief much faster than adults. They may even teach you a lesson or two on life and death.

GRANDPARENTS

Grandparents suffer a special, double kind of grief. Not only have they lost this grandchild, but they are helpless to ease the pain of their own child. Keep this in mind as you deal with your parents and in-laws. They may hide their grief in an attempt to be strong for you. They may feel that by keeping your house organized or by planning the funeral that they are being as useful as possible.

Like many people around you, you may find your parents unwilling to mention the baby. This can lead to feelings of resentment and conflict later on. If you feel the need to know their feelings about the lost grandchild, ask. They may not have said anything yet for fear of upsetting or reminding you of your loss. If you can't bring yourself to talk face to face, or if they live far away...write a letter or a book you have found helpful.

THE WORLD AROUND YOU

Your life has just come to a standstill but, somehow, it seems as if no one has noticed. Your neighbors continue to get up each morning and go to work, your friends still go out to eat and to the movies, and your co-workers may act as if you've just had the flu and not a painful loss. In addition to the fact that life goes on for those around you, unfortunately, so do holidays, birthdays, weddings and family gatherings.

It is upsetting to feel as if your family and friends have forgotten your loss or feel that it is insignificant. The people you have always relied on for support may suddenly drop off the face of the earth, or worse yet, may say some very hurtful things in an attempt to be helpful. For example, comments like "You can always have another baby." "At least you have other children." "Maybe you didn't need a baby now." "The baby wasn't normal anyway." or "God knows what's for the best" hurt.

You may find yourself reevaluating your relationships based on how people reacted to your baby's death. In most cases, they are unaware of the pain they have caused. Keep this in mind and try not to hold grudges. After all, until it happened to you, would you have known what to say or do?

When I decided to write this book, I allowed a friend to read my journal. It gave her a new insight into my grief. She then wrote the following letter which I would like to share with you. Perhaps it will help you to understand the people in your own life.

JENNIFER,

I felt so special when you came to me and told me you were pregnant. I cried and prayed you would make what I thought was the "right" decision. You did. The problem was that others weren't as excited as I was. I was angry. I wanted you to feel that your baby was wanted and loved. For eight months, I loved you and your baby and dreamed of the part it would have in my life - what I would be to him/her.

The day of the baby shower came. I had chosen many gifts for you and your baby. Careful choices with a mixture of practicality and frivolity. The shower was so nice and you looked so pretty. You told us about the enormous amount of kicking. We marvelled at it. The week went on and you prepared for your stay at home. You asked me what I thought about the baby's stillness. You were so close - it had to be almost time. You didn't tell me that you couldn't find a heartbeat.

The campus was in a whirl with Homecoming activities. I had so much to do that fateful Thursday that I didn't make it into the theatre until the afternoon. When I walked in, everyone was weird. Marion and Kevin were there. I was just babbling, as usual. Marion asked how I was doing as if something were wrong. I said "Fine". He said, "You don't know?" "Know what?", I asked. "Come into my office. I need to tell you something." "Is this going to make me crazy?" "Probably. Come inside and you can cry or scream or whatever you need to do."

It was horrible. I couldn't believe it. I was angry. I was sad. I hurt. And it still wasn't over. Labor had not even begun. Daniel hadn't reached you yet. This is the part of the story that you need to hear. I know you don't understand what happened with your friends. Why some of the ones you were closest to could say things that hurt - those remarks you hated so much. You lashed out in anger, or even worse, you said nothing to correct them but held hatred in your heart.

No one expected you to be strong. No one asked you to. We wanted, no - needed, to be strong for you. We were grieving, too. I cried for days. But, just as I cannot imagine what it is like to lose my child, you cannot imagine what it is like to watch someone you love lose one. You can't imagine how hard it was to go into your house and pack away your dreams. I felt like I was playing the part of the angel of Death. Like maybe, if I hadn't packed the baby things, somehow, Sarah would have come back to life.

Neena, Anissa, Trace and I made plans to attend the funeral. We were the only ones to acknowledge the fact that we were feeling pain, too. We held each other up during the service. I thought that if I could get through seeing the tiny pink and white gingham casket, I could survive anything. I was wrong. We had to hold each other up again when you and Daniel broke down. I will never forget that picture. I see it in my mind, often. We grieved, too. I still do.

I'm not sure you knew, but it is important that you do so you can understand why I offered advice you thought was unbelievable. Why we made remarks that you thought callous. We grieved for you and Daniel, but naturally, our grief eased much quicker than yours. We went through and came out with the ability to be a little more objective about life. We never, in any way, meant to invalidate your loss.

You both have the right to grieve for the rest of your lives, but you also have the right to live. That is what we wanted you to know. We had to go on with our lives, but we had lost you, too. You were walking and talking but you were dead. We lived with the fear that you would never return.

For eight months, you were gone. Then, suddenly, you fanned a spark within you. Now, daily, the flame grows brighter. It is a different flame now. You seem older and wiser. I thank God every day for pulling you through. We missed you.

I hope that someday you will see the good in Sarah's life and death. Some lives are long, some are all too short. The important thing about a life, however, is not the length of it, but it's effect on the lives around it.

If you see Sarah's life in that way, it was very rich. She made a difference in you and Daniel, your family, the lives of other grieving parents you have reached out to. And, in my life, for which I am grateful to her and to you and Daniel for creating her. You are not alone in your memories. For those whose lives she touched, we will always remember her.

I love you,

Amy

 

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CHAPTER THREE

 

 

 

 

OTHER PEOPLE'S BABIES

When you have lost your baby, it seems that everywhere you go, you are surrounded by pregnant women and newborn babies. Your friends and relatives are expecting or have recently had a new addition to the family. Dealing with shopping malls and family gatherings is a constant assault on your emotions.

On the one hand, you want to be happy for those around you - but, on the other hand, you are so jealous while you watch admiring friends ooh and aah someone else's baby. You may feel that they have forgotten your baby and your pain.

You may have an intense desire to hold the baby yourself, just to reaffirm that living, healthy babies are real. Or you may want to go running and screaming out of the room. Both of these reactions are normal and you may find yourself flip-flopping from one to the other.

Then there is the issue of people who have children they don't want. Hearing of child abuse or abandoned babies may have always turned your stomach, but now, you will question "Why do those people get to have healthy babies when mine died?". You may see a family with six children and ask "How is it so easy for them?".

In time, the intense anger that comes on you when you see some mother or father hit a small child at the grocery store may subside, but there is still resentment towards those who do not realize how precious that fragile child's life is.

LITTLE THINGS

It's the little things

That tear me to pieces.

It's the things

That no one else notices,

The reminders that only affect me.

It's the "If onlys", "What Ifs" and "Why nots"

It's all the things that should be.

It's what no one else can see,

Your pictures, the nightmares

and the unfullfilled dreams.

It's those tiny feet,

Just prints in black ink.

Little things

Like newborn babies, diaper commercials

Baby clothes and baby toys.

It's unused yellow booties, Winnie-the-Pooh and the Color Pink

Any of these things can make me cry.

Any little thing

Makes me want to die.

Because all these things should make life happy,

complete and full,

But, instead -

Each of these things make me wish,

If only I had my little girl.

DYING TO BE PREGNANT

For many couples, the instant solution to the grief of losing their baby is to try again. Sometimes, it may be a decision that they arrive at on their own; other times, it may be that those around them think that this would be the best thing for the bereaved parents. When and if to having another baby is one that only the parents can answer; however, as you and your partner weigh the pros and cons of another pregnancy, try to keep the following things in mind:

* The mother's physical health. Wait until your body has had time to recover from the pregnancy.

* The emotional state of both parents and any other children. Could your family survive another loss, such as an early miscarriage, at this point?

* Why do you want another baby? Be sure that you have come to terms with the fact that a new baby will not replace the one you have lost. And that a new baby may bring about a different kind of grief and questioning process. For example, the new baby would never had come into existance if the first one had lived.

* Have you resolved your grief and come to terms with the stillbirth of your baby? Are there any medical questions you need answered for your peace of mind before conceiving again?

If, after some time, you and your partner decide that you are willing to take the chance, here are suggestions on dealing with a subsequent pregnancy:

* Pamper yourself. Buy new maternity clothes. Get a makeover. Spend quality time together. Try to make your pregnancy as enjoyable and stress free as possible.

* Make a point to keeping this pregnancy separate from the last one. Pick new names. Buy new baby items. Wait and have the shower after the baby has arrived safety. Anything that will help you is fine.

* Talk to other parents who have suffered a loss and gone on to have successful outcomes. They know what you are going through.

* Talk to parents who haven't suffered the death of an infant. This will remind you that most of the time, things go off without a hitch and that your case was the exception, not the rule.

* If you feel that something isn't right, call your doctor or midwife. They should be aware of your case history and be willing to offer support. If you feel uncomfortable with your current doctor, ask for a specialist. Many doctors will automatically refer you to someone else if they feel you are at high risk.

* Enjoy every precious moment with the baby that is growing inside of you. Yes, there will be fear, but you have decided that you are willing to risk your heart to love again and you shouldn't make yourself miserable because of that decision. Ask for help and support when you need it.

 

 

 

 

 

FEAR OF BECOMING PREGNANT

While some parents decide to try again, others may find themselves saying "never again". This is a normal reaction to the pain you have endured. Who wants to open their heart to that kind of pain again? But, just as those who have decided to have another baby need to answer some important questions, those who have decided not to take the chance also need to answer some important questions before making any decisions about permanent procedures. If you are looking into sterilization, take a while to recover from your grief before going on with the operation.

Yes, tubes can be untied and vasectomies can be reversed, but not always with the best results. If the baby had a congenital or genetic problem, look into testing and find out about the disorder. What are the odds of it recurring? Is it a defect you could live with if the child survived? What kind of prenatal testing is available to you? Is adoption a possibility?

For the moment, you may be terrified of the idea of a new baby, but be patient. Give yourself time to grieve and then make a definite choice for the future.

 

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CHAPTER FOUR

 

STEPS TO RECOVERY

KEEPSAKES

Parents who have a stillborn baby are left with no happy memories of their child. No tears of joy after giving birth, no late night feedings, no first steps or first words.

We must take what little we have and create concrete momentos. Creating keepsakes is an important part of the healing process. It helps by giving you proof of this child's brief life. Many hospitals are aware of the need for keepsakes, but some are behind the times.

Listed below are some ideas:

* Handprints and footprints

* A lock of hair

* Hospital bracelets and anklets

* Photos

* A portrait based on the hospital photo can be made to even out skin tone and offer a "nice" picture of the baby in whatever clothing or position that the parents wish.

* Snapshots of this portrait can be taken for siblings and grandparents.

* Have a certificate of life made. There is a listing in the appendix of this book.

* Baptism or blessing certificate.

* Birth or death announcement.

* Favorite outfit or special toy bought for this baby.

* If you did not see the baby, create an image in your mind, either based on your other children or on a combination of yours and your mate's baby pictures. Or ask the doctor and nurses or other family members who were present to recall the baby's features for you.

* Find or write a poem that expresses your feelings.

* Save the funeral book and cards of condolences.

* Combine these items and make a keepsake box or book.

KEEPING A JOURNAL

For many people, writing about their experience can be a catharsis. At the minimum, write one letter to your baby explaining how you feel about his/her life and dealth. Save it as a keepsake. You and your mate can share these letters with one another or keep them sealed away.

You will be surprised at what a relief it is to give words to your emotions even if you are the only one who ever sees them. If you find that writing this letter is helpful, consider starting a journal.

Below are suggestions of issues to write about in your journal; however, as with everything else, adapt these ideas to your situation and your individual needs.

* How did I feel when I discovered that we were going to have a baby?

* Did these feelings change during the pregnancy?

* What dreams did I have for my child's future?

* What did I feel when I knew that the baby wasn't mean to be?

* What was labor and delivery like? For me? For my partner?

* What was it like to see and hold the baby? Feelings? Textures? Smells? Etc.

* Why did I choose not to see the baby? Who made that choice?

* What was the funeral like?

* How do I feel about my mate now?

* How do I think my mate feels about me now?

* How do I feel about my surviving children?

* How do I feel about God?

* How do I feel about my friends and family?

* Do I want another baby? When? Why?

* How do I feel about baby's first birthday?

* When will I know that I am healed?

 

 

SUPPORT GROUPS AND COUNSELING

Don't be afraid to seek help in resolving your grief. It does not mean that you are weak or crazy to ask for help. The death of a child is one of the worst life experiences you will ever face. There is no reason you should try to handle it alone.

If there is a support group in your area, seek contact with it. If you are not comfortable with attending a meeting, most groups offer a newsletter, lending library and pen-pal support. Also, there are national infant loss support groups listed in the appendix of this book.

For others, one on one with a counselor or in family sessions may be more helpful. Do what is best for your peace of mind. Try one or the other, or a combination of both. Keep in mind that there is not a miracle cure for grief and that healing takes time and patience.

 

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CHAPTER FIVE

 

S H E

She came for only a brief moment,

and drifted away.

A brief flash in time,

She was not meant to stay.

Like a falling star,

to be seen at a glimpse and then to disappear,

A small miracle not meant to be,

A life to go unlived

Yet her existence has altered all of me.

She came into my heart,

Taking with her the dreams and hopes of tomorrow,

Taking away that special part

of my soul.

She is always with me,

Always loved and forever missed.

Like a beautiful sunrise eclipsed by the clouds.

She has made me who I am this very day.

My life is what is left

Since she was taken away.

Throughout my life, I've questioned the existence of God. By the time I was eighteen, I had decided that - if there was a God; He/She/It was not my favorite entity. After Sarah's death, I was confronted by many people who told me to "Turn to God", "God has a reason" or "This is all part of God's plan".

What I wanted to say was -- "If God has some great plan, why in the hell do I have to be a part of it?" I was angry. I was hurt and I was still searching for an answer. I asked myself - Why would God intentionally take the life of an innocent child - mine or anyone else's? Why would this wonderful God allow war, rape and cancer? Was I being singled out for punishment?

After reviewing every aspect of my life, I decided that I may not be a saint but there are "worse" people out there who have healthy children. I started to look for other "logical" reasons for my daughter's death. She had Down's Syndrome - was this God's way of saving her and her parents a lot of pain? I couldn't accept this either because handicaps can be dealt with, even overcome, but death is permanent. The last place I wanted to turn to was to God.

About a year after losing Sarah, my anger had subsided. I had come to the conclusion that God probably did not kill Sarah just to torture me. God simply did not choose to intervene on my behalf with a miracle? Several months later, two small events changed my entire perspective of losing Sarah.

One was a class discussion of mysticism; the other was a book entitled " A Course in Miracles". Before encountering these two subjects, I believed having Sarah was the worst event in my life. I had focused on her death - never her life.

I now realize that Sarah's brief life was much more important to me than her death. she was my personal miracle - a brief, almost mystic experience that changed my life forever. In her lifetime, I experienced the joy of carrying a human being, a baby. I happily anticipated being a Mother. I felt a kind of love I had never known. I'm now thankful for the opportunity to share with Sarah, no matter how short the time.

In an ideal world, I would want to have a beautiful toddler who got into mischief and would grow into a loving, responsible and happy adult; however, I will always cherish the memories - the wonder of those first kicks, the look on her father's face when she kicked strongly enough for him to feel it, too. The warmth of my baby shower and the red and blue sleeper I bought to bring the baby home in. I will also be eternally grateful for the few moments I held her in my arms.

From Sarah's life and death, I have grown as a person. I have a deeper understanding of the grief of others. I have a greater appreciation for life and how delicate it is. I have a better understanding of Down's Syndrome. I take chances to be happy that I might not have taken before. And, perhaps more important, I love with all of my heart because the joy of loving and being loved is worth the risk.

When you can remember your child with a bittersweet smile, then you are on the way to resolving your grief. Never will you forget the pain. There will always be birthdays, milestones and other children "that age" to remind you of what could have been. But - by allowing yourelf the time of grieve, you will, hopefully, find a reason to keep on living, learning and loving.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Goins-Caufman

 

 

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APPENDIX

AERNA (Adoption Resource Exchange of North America)

67 Irving Place

New York, NY 10003

(212) 254-7410

 

ALIVE ALONE

11115 Dull Robinson Road

Van Wert, OH 45891

Provides support for those who have lost an only child

 

ASSOCIATION FOR RECOGNITION OF LIFE OF STILLBIRTHS

11470 W. Powers Avenue

Littleton, CO 80127

(303) 978-9517

Provides "Certificate of Life" with baby's name and date of delivery

 

CENTERING CORPORATION

P. O. Box 3367

Omaha, NE 68103-0367

(402) 553-1200

Books and Pamphlets on Grief

 

THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS

P. O. Box 3696

Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696

(708) 990-0010

Non-profit non-denominational support group for bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings who have lost a child of any age

THE NATIONAL GENETICS FOUNDATION, INC.

555 West 57th Street

New York, NY 10019

(212) 586-5800

Referral Service for Individuals and Families Concerned with Genetic Problems

 

PEN PARENTS

P. O. Box 8738

Reno, NV 89507-7332

(800) 484-1033, Code 7332

Provides newsletter and support through correspondence

 

RESOLVE, INC.

5 Water Street

Arlington, MA 02174

Resource for infertility

 

SHARE

c/o Sister Jan Marie Lamb

St. Elizabeth's Hospital

211 So. 3rd Street

Bellville, IL 62222

(618) 234-2120

The most complete source of information on local support groups and resources of all kinds

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